Waiting Game

Waiting and infertility go hand and hand.  You can either learn to become a really patient person or you can go nuts. I’ve experienced both over the course of the past 5 years. July of 2012 was the beginning of IVF for us.  What a long year it has been. A new job at a new school, my step-father diagnosed with lung cancer, my mother diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimer’s, a pregnancy that didn’t fully develop, and a pregnancy lost at 7 weeks.  There have been tears shed and moments when all I could do is laugh at the absurdity of it all.

After my miscarriage in December, we decided to take a break from IVF.  I thought we’d come back in April and try our final round, but with all of what was taking place with my parents, the timing just wasn’t right.  When we saw that Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes were playing at Red Rocks in Denver, CO, we jumped at purchasing the tickets.  We both needed the distance of travel and solitude of nature to get our heads and hearts together.

We traveled out west for two weeks and caught the show. We spent most of our time camping and let nature do her thing.  She cleared our heads and showed us the possibilities of a life after IVF, one that is filled with excitement and one that is filled with time with one another.  There was no anxiety to hurry back and start the whole process again, instead we focused on healing.  It was a beautiful trip and exactly what we needed. We both knew how much IVF and the year had strained us, and I rely heavily on my husband to be a sounding board and my rock. He’s gone above and beyond what any spouse should be asked and put up with all of the crazy too.  What we’d lost was our physical connection with one another, and I know those of you in the middle of your own infertility journey probably know what I’m talking about. Sex becomes about science and less about love or what either of you might need. This trip helped us to both reignite our physical attraction, which is really important.

I won’t lie and say that fertility and IVF was completely out of my mind. I did have the realization that I felt like I was in limbo with the last IVF round waiting for us when we returned home.  I knew that until we got the final round underway and knew whether or not we were successful, I’d feel like I was in limbo.  If there is one thing I’ve learned in this process is that I hate limbo. There was also a peace of mind that seemed possible, and that is something you don’t find in infertility often.

The trip allowed me to remember why I was married to this beautiful man and that a life with him, filled with babies or not, was what I wanted most. It reminded me how important it is to find fulfillment with your partner, and how important it is to make your marriage strong. We transferred two of our three last embryos on August 21 and now we’re in the limbo of the two week wait. There is some impatience on my part to have the beta get here as soon as possible.  I’ll admit that I fought the urge of purchasing a home pregnancy test today while I was out buying an iron.  But then I remind myself to just be in the moment and not to project too far into the future. Whatever the future may hold, I’m at peace.