When I started reading about IVF about four years ago, I was terrified of the idea of having a round postponed. I couldn’t imagine getting all of my hopes up and going through all of the medications, only to be told to go back to the drawing board and try again.
Luckily none of my rounds have been postponed by my RE. Unfortunately, they’ve been postponed by me.
What do you do when life gets in the way of trying to make a life?
I’m working through my anger and disappointment with this round. We’ve been preparing for it since that post-IVF meeting in September. Everything was going okay until about two weeks ago when my parents decide they are going to fall apart. To be fair, it is actually just one parent.
My step-father has been given a new chance at life. He has stage three lung cancer and his prognosis was grim. He was given 6 months to a year to live with treatment. He has successfully completed intense chemotherapy and radiation and been told that he’s going to live a long time. His tumor shrank by 50% and the cancer activity in his body has decreased by 2/3rds. He’s not what we would consider cured, but he’s in a better place than he was when first diagnosed. Mentally, though, he’s beaten. Couple this with my mother’s Alzheimer’s and dementia and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
So two weeks ago things got pretty bad. Things have been bad before and stressful, like the weekend we were heading out west for a couple of weeks to put time and space between us and the year of hell, and the wheels totally came off the bus and it crashed and burned. We put everything back together again and though there were some hiccups, nothing as bad as that weekend has happened. Now we are back here again and just in time for our transfer.
I know I need to separate myself from my stress. The question is: how? I wake up most mornings and instantly feel as though I have chest pains. Friday, I cracked in the bookkeeper’s office (something about that office that sends me into an anxiety filled free-fall of emotions) because she was scolding me about not getting a receipt to her sooner. My eyes well up and my voice cracks. I manage to get out of there with some dignity, face flushed and chest all splotchy. None of this had anything to do with her treatment of me, but everything to do with the immense amount of stress I am under right now.
How do you separate yourself from your family long enough to start your own?
There is never a good or a right time to make a baby. That’s not what I’m trying to do exactly, but it would be lovely if the universe would just work with me and find a way to stay calm enough for me to get through fertility treatment and pregnant. Is that too much to ask?