I am throwing the entire kitchen sink at my fertility journey. This is to say that I have signed up for the program I asked about in my last post.
It is The Seed Fertility Program ran by Danica Thornberry, an acupuncturist and naturopathic doctor in LA (www.seedfertility.com).
I have completed the first couple of units in the e-course and I have to say that I really like it so far. It combines video of her running a seminar from the Women’s Wellness Center in LA and journaling. She will also take me through dietary and nutritional choices for optimal fertility.
I have found that I was open in my first two rounds of IVF. When we got the positive beta, saw our bean on the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat, I was at ease thinking that our miracle had finally happened. When I lost him, I lost that openness and confidence in the process. My next two cycles were negative. I am hoping that this program will work to help me find it again. I know if anything, it will open me to remembering that I am a mother and I will mother a child. If it means through another IVF round, naturally, through adoption, or a gestational carrier-I will mother a child.
A friend of mine posted this birthday wish over the weekend:
“Birthday Reflection: I hope you celebrate my birthday with me today and for the next 364 days by committing to this: PROTECT your energy. Your energy is your life, where your creativity lives, how you love, and what makes [you] uniquely unrepeatable. Protect your energy from people and things that attempt to siphon it from you. Protect your energy so that your work, whatever it is, can be done. Say no, say hell no, close that door, move to a different house, quit that job, dump that fool, put those hands up and PROTECT your energy. My hope is that we all protect our energy so that our dreams have a chance to come true.”
I needed to see this post at the end of this week. I put so much of my energy into things that I am completely tapped out and having nothing to give to myself. I put too much focus on people and situations that suck out the last bits of energy in my reserves, people and situations that really shouldn’t get as much time as I give them.
Before I started taking Welbutrin, I would find myself anxious and fixated on these people and the situations, going around and around with whatever conflict they presented in my life until I was completely empty. If a conflict presented itself, I would fester and get so worked up about it and a need for a resolution even though that resolution was something I had no control over. The medication has helped with allowing me to not spend too much time focusing on things I cannot control. I have found that a problem might present itself to me and I focus on it for a bit, then I move on.
This week reminded me of the me before I started taking medication to help with my anxiety. This week it was more difficult that normal to give a conflict enough time to sort out my feelings and then move on. I was carrying around anger and frustration for several days this week over something that did not deserve that much of my time and energy. When my friend’s post came up on my feed, I felt like she was speaking directly to me. I hope it speaks to some of you as well. The last sentence especially.
My energy is better spent on things that bring me happiness and working towards my dreams. I have to find ways to protect myself from those out there that drain me and take me away from what I want my life to be, or bring out the version of me I don’t want to be. I have to find ways to protect myself from situations where my time is not well spent burning off energy that I need for myself and what I want from this life.