Almost a year later…

So here we are about a year later from my first and last post. I should have been writing all along. I should do a lot of things that I just don’t seem to get to every day. That’s just life. So where are we almost a year later?

We’ve moved on to IVF. We’ve completed one fresh round and one frozen. The good news is that we know we can make great embryos. The difficulty is getting those embryos to want to hang out of nine months in my uterus. They retrieved 18 eggs, nine were fertilized and eight seemed to viable options.  We’ve taken a conservative approach and have only transferred one embryo at a time.  We didn’t get positive results with the fresh round, but did get a positive pregnancy test on the frozen round. Then my numbers dropped and we were back to where we started.

Now it is the beginning of November and we are waiting to see how this last frozen transfer will turn out. We transferred on Halloween. Hopefully we’ll get a treat instead of a trick.  We chose to only transfer one again this time. Talk about being under pressure. Our RE encouraged us to transfer two and I thought that I would until it came time to sign the forms. The difficulty is that you want a family and I know that the ultimate goal of the RE’s office is to make that happen for us if they can.  We joked with our RE about being on-call for baby sitting and helping us care for two babies at once. We’ve always joked about having twins. My mother is a twin and my husband’s father is a twin.  We sort of went into this four years ago expecting that we’d have twins. But then those forms were there and I was agonizing over what to put on those blank lines. “Thaw _______ to transfer _________.” “Thaw enough to transfer ________.”

I got angry first. What if I only ever wanted one child? Not only has this process altered everything I pictured about making a family with my husband would be like, but now I was being emotionally battered by deciding how many children I might get at the end of all this.  Then I got worried.

We sat one night outside our favorite local pizza place. It has a huge patio and is a great place to people watch.  This couple sat next to us with two newly born twins. They were tiny and I saw what our life might become with twins.  This couple seemed to have it together, don’t get me wrong. I just couldn’t seem to see us as them. It may seem like I should have thought all of this through before I signed up for IVF, but I thought I had.  I thought I had come to terms with the idea that we could end up with multiples, but there is something completely different about getting them naturally or through an IUI and purposefully putting two embryos back. At least for me it was different. I felt like I wasn’t ready to face the  possibilities for difficulty and risks that come with twins. 30% of multiples pregnancies end up with health issues.  I couldn’t imagine going through this journey to only put lives at risk. I also knew that there was no way we could afford having one or both in NICU.  Weighing the risks, I didn’t feel like it was the choice I could make for this round. We talked about it for hours several times. After talking, crying, reading, and praying, I felt that there were too many things about putting back two that made me uncomfortable. We went forward with one and promised each other we’d only look forward without doubts.

I’ve also had a hysteroscopy between IVF round two and three.  Our RE felt like it might give us some answers about why we were having difficulty. I’ll post more on that day later, since technically I had two within 72 hours of each other.  With the procedure, they removed polyps (which came back begnin-thank God!).  We’re hoping that this will help the embryo that is in there now find a great spot to latch on to and hang out for the next nine months. Keeping all of that in mind, we felt like going with one was the right thing for us right now. Keeping a one day at a time mindset is about the only way to stay sane with this process.

The waiting is tough and I think what makes it more difficult is that I can’t exercise. I walk to help clear my head. I do yoga to help center my thoughts. I can’t do either right now and I’m finding I have a lot of pent up energy. Today I got to feeling anxious and normally I’d just hook the dogs up to their leashes and head out the door. I had to settle for running errands and they had to settle for taking a ride in the car.

We go in on Saturday for our beta test.  Seven more days.

Take me for a walk?